This Potter must die

[re_miel]

Со всей этой ГП-шной истерикой в СМИ... А вы никогда не задумывались, чтобы было если если бы в самом мире ГП одному из учеников Хогвартса пришла бы в голову идея написать слэш? А я вот задумался. Это выглядело бы вот так:

DEATH EATER #1

Lord Voldemort, your council waits for you.
Walpurgis Knights are gathered here for you.

VOLDEMORT

Ah gentlemen, you know why we are here.
We've not much time, and quite a problem here

MOB

Fanfiction Superstar!
Fanfiction Superstar!
Fanfiction Superstar!
Fanfiction Superstar!

LUCIUS

Look at that disgusting mob of mudbloods on the net!
A piece or two with queers - and they all are in a fret!

ALL

This is dangerous!

MOB

Potter the Superstar!

ALL

This is dangerous!

MOB

Tell us you're like they wrote you are.

DEATH EATER #2

This filth has begun to rally millions in support.

DEATH EATER #3

A rabble rousing fiction which I think we must abort.

ALL

This is dangerous!

MOB

Potter the Superstar!

ALL

This is dangerous!

DEATH EATER #2

What is this stuff..!? “H.P. - slash - Voldemort”..?

DEATH EATER #3

“nc, rape, snuff”..!? The author must be caught!!

VOLDEMORT

No, wait!
We need a more permanent solution to our problem.

LUCIUS

What did they find in these juvenile sentences,
Absence of grammar, tortured plot?

DEATH EATER #3

No climax, no punchline, no point, and no essence.

VOLDEMORT

One thing I'll say for it -- Potter is hot..!

LUCIUS

We dare not leave this to its own devices.
These half-witted fans and their sickening ways..!

DEATH EATERS

But how can we stop them?
The fanfics keep coming.
By dozens daily; all gayer than gay.

VOLDEMORT

I see bad things arising.
The minds of the young ones are easily bent.
I see many more fanfics,
Sordid affairs involving two men.
Many more fanfics involving two men.

ALL

Two men, two men, involving two men!

VOLDEMORT

Sordid affairs involving two men.

ALL

Two men, two men, involving two, 'nvolving two, 'nvolving two, 'nvolving two men.

DEATH EATER #3

What then to do about this graphomania?

LUCIUS

Now how do we deal with a media king?

DEATH EATERS

Where do we start with a fandom that's bigger
Than Trek had when Trek did its K'n'S thing?

VOLDEMORT

Fools, you have no perception!
The stakes we are gambling are frighteningly high!
This must perish completely.
As Dumbledore before him, this Potter must die.
For the sake of the nation, this Potter must die.

ALL

Must die, must die, this Potter must die.

VOLDEMORT

As Dumbledore before him, this Potter must die.

ALL

Must die, must die, this Potter must, Potter must, Potter must die!

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